Mr. Darcy was in the morning room of his London townhouse, leisurely reading the paper, sipping his coffee, and waiting for his wife to come down to breakfast, when his cousin Colonel Fitzwilliam rushed in. The colonel was very agitated and continually paced the room.

"Darcy, I don't know how much more of this I can take! It won't leave me alone. Just when I think its over and I can find some amount of peace and happiness, it begins again and I'm in a worse muddle than I was before. I swear I am close to going mad!"

Darcy got up and brought the older man a cup of coffee.

"Settle down, Fitzwilliam. Have some coffee. What won't leave you alone? What's this all about?"

"My love life," Fitzwilliam said as he sat down heavily. His cousin burst out laughing.

"Your love life! You are one of the most eligible men in literature! Women are constantly flinging themselves at you. What could possibly be wrong with your love life!"

"Women are constantly being flung at me. Each is presented to me by fate as the one and only true love of my life, I dutifully fall in love with her, only to have my heart ripped out when the next one and only true love of my life is revealed to me. And foremost in the pack are Anne and Georgiana."

Darcy was slightly offended. "What's wrong with Georgiana?" he asked.

"Nothing, she's one of my favorites... well so is Anne for that matter. They are both sweet young ladies. Of course Georgiana is nearly half my age and Anne is... well, they are both my first cousins you see, and not that I have Victorian views mind you..."

"...not for a few more years anyway," said Elizabeth, breezing into the room and giving her husband a quick hug. "Good morning, Colonel. Forgive my interruption. Please continue."

"Well, as I was saying, I don't mean to be a prude or anything. I am all for family traditions, and I know it is quite acceptable in most of the world, and all. But being my cousins, they just seem so sisterly to me, you know what I mean?"

"Yes, I see your point, but you must see this from fate's point of view, too Fitzwilliam. Georgiana and Anne are both well off financially, and you said yourself that the younger son of an Earl had to have some consideration for money when he marries. Each is an obvious and practical choice."

"But it makes me seem like such an opportunist, like Wickham." Darcy grimaced at the mention of his brother-in-law's name. Elizabeth took the opportunity to join in the conversation.

"You are only an opportunist if the money is your main objective. If you marry for love, what difference does it make if one partner is wealthier than the other, so long as you are happy. Besides, all the young ladies I have seen you with have been perfect for you."

"That's the trouble, they have ALL been perfect for me. I feel like a Ken doll, being made to play opposite whichever Barbie is thrust at me."

Darcy pondered this for a moment, then said "Being in the military, wouldn't GI Joe have been a better analogy?"

"Darcy, we're British!"

"Perhaps Regimental Rick," Elizabeth suggested, giggling. Darcy snickered, enjoying his wife's joke.

"Elizabeth! Please!"

"Sorry, Colonel, it just slipped out."

Fitzwilliam shook his head at his cousins' lack of sympathy for his plight, but bravely struggled on.

"I am continually matched with every eligible maiden who has ever been so much as mentioned. Everyone from Anne to Kitty to Mary..."

"...to Caroline Bingley!" Elizabeth giggled again. Darcy made another disgusted face.

"A reformed Caroline Bingley," the colonel stressed, "and she's one of my favorites. Anyway, just when I think there is no one left to pair me with, I am presented with an Elizabeth-clone."

"But always a wealthy Elizabeth-clone," Darcy added brightly, "and you do on occasion get matched with Elizabeth herself, don't forget."

"Only to lose her to you in the end."

"As well it should be," Elizabeth stated, giving her husband a loving kiss. Colonel Fitzwilliam rolled his eyes and gave them a moment to finish before continuing.

"So we come to the heart of my problem, Elizabeth. It is written in stone 'Darcy and Elizabeth', 'Bingley and Jane'. Both pairs have to end up together, but with me it's anybody's guess."

Darcy reluctantly let go of his wife to give his full attention to his cousin. "Fitzwilliam, you admit you only have to deal with one lady at a time, and she always seems well suited for you. Do you love them?"

"Each as deeply as you love Elizabeth."

"Then I don't really see that you have a problem at all. Besides, you aren't alone in this. Georgiana, Anne, Caroline, and all of the younger Bennet girls have had a variety of beaus."

"But I seem to be main one. Why can't Denny or Carter take a turn, or even Wickham."

"Don't be ridiculous, man."

"Why not him? I could think of a number of interesting situations for Wickham. He could run off with Mary King or Mrs. Forester. He could marry Miss Bingley, or even..."

Colonel Fitzwilliam stopped himself, but it was too late. Darcy had caught his glance in Elizabeth's direction.

"... or marry Elizabeth to pain me. You go to far Fitzwilliam!" Darcy said angrily.

"You said it, Darcy, not me."

"That would be an unthinkable situation, dear," said Elizabeth, trying to lighten her husband's ever darkening mood. "But Wickham and Caroline might make a good match, they almost deserve each other."

Darcy said nothing, but continued to glare at his cousin.

"Elizabeth's right, Darcy. They could suit each other quite well. They have similar motives and deceptive personalities, they both even have full names."

"What's that got to do with it?" Darcy paused as he started to suspect that he had stumbled onto something. "Wait a minute, is that what this is really about Fitzwilliam?"

The Colonel blushed a bit and dropped his eyes to the floor, but said nothing.

"This is about the name thing again, isn't it?"

Fitzwilliam flustered a bit, then burst out "Well, it's not like I have a proper first name..."

"What's wrong with Colonel?"

"I said a proper first name. You've got one, Darcy. Oh, excuse me, you have MY name, and you only have THAT because you needed one for the letter you wrote to Elizabeth; and it has made both of our lives rather confusing."

"I was given that name due to another fine family traditional, I'll have you know," Darcy said defensively. "I like it and have even considered naming one of our sons Bennet, after MY wife's family."

"Darling," Elizabeth said hesitantly, "I'm afraid I agree with the Colonel, I prefer to call you William. It is less confusing and tends to be less of a mouthful." Darcy looked hurt, but said nothing as his cousin continued.

"Sometimes I feel like I'm only in the plot to verify Darcy's side of the whole Wickham affair; a nameless minor character, just added for the sake of validation."

"You really can't assume that just because you haven't an official first name that you are a minor character, Colonel," Elizabeth said. "After all, neither of my parents were given first names either, and you can hardly call them minor characters."

"Perhaps not, but not being named has left the door opened for anything. Subsequently I have been given every conceivable name from Andrew to Zechariah."

"Zechariah?"

"He's making a point, dear. Anyway Colonel, some names do tend to pop up more often than others, and some fit you quite nicely, like Richard and Montgomery for instance."

"And cousin," Darcy added, "you were left in the position of being an ideal main character: brave, dashing, easy mannered, well spoken, amusing..."

"The perfect antithesis to you," the colonel said drolly. "Yet still able to rush in and save the maiden in distress when called upon."

Elizabeth ignored his sarcasm. "You are a well established, well loved, eligible character, full of potential. And you haven't been predestined for any specific spouse like Mary and Kitty are. Naturally you are everyone's favorite hero, and they just want to see you happily situated."

"It could be worse, Fitzwilliam, you could be constantly killed off like Mr. Collins."

"Usually to your benefit, Darcy"

"Or yours, cousin."

"Yes," the colonel said thoughtfully. "Charlotte is another favorite of mine, she is closer to my age and temperament than most."

"Yes, but a tad too practical to be exciting," added a voice from outside the room. All eyes turned toward the door as Caroline Bingley entered. "...and she lacks the proper resources for someone of your position, Colonel."

"Miss Bingley, where did you come from?" Elizabeth stammered, after the shock wore off.

"Oh, I'm usually lurking about, ready to leap in when needed the most."

"Really?" asked the colonel, "and are you needed now?"

"Of course, darling, I am most definitely needed." She took the colonel by the arm and turned him toward the door. "Come, Colonel, you may take me for a turn in the park, it will be so refreshing. Then perhaps you can buy me lunch and we can come up with a clever plot to do away with that elder brother of yours." The colonel shrugged complacently and gave Darcy a wink as they left the room.

Darcy shook his head in disbelief. "Did his say a reformed Caroline Bingley?"

"Chalk it up to literary license, my love," said Elizabeth.

"Do you think he'll be alright?"

"Don't be silly darling. You know it always ends well for him, eventually. Just as it does for us."

Elizabeth looked at the clock on the mantle. "It's getting late," she said, taking her husband by the arm and heading him for the door. "Come dear, let's see what mishaps and misunderstandings await us today."